In this episode we discuss generalizations and how to break free of them.
Matt & Anna run down simple tips and tweaks Men and Women can use to start improving their success in dating and why these are effective.
*Podcast correction: While the book “How to win Friends and Influence People” By Dale Carnegie does talk about getting people to talk about themselves to get them to like you, it was actually Coach Corey Wayne who said to “Let the woman do 80% of the talking”. Corey Wayne is a great coach for men who need to turn around their dating lives and I highly recommend his book “How to be a 3% man” and as a follow up read to “No More Mr. Nice Guy
Tips For Men:
- Hold Strong but Relaxed Eye Contact – Strong eye contact shows confidence and openness. It also shows you are present with the woman and listening to her. To get your mind off of focusing on the eye contact, use it as a tool to focus on listening to her instead. Good listening involves not just hearing the words she says but also taking in all the non-verbal language which includes her facial expressions and the way her eyes communicate.
- Let Her do 80% of the Talking (See Correction above) – While I think this is great for guys who are good with talking to women already, we still recommend it to guys who are not as skilled, but have a tendency to over-talk, to use this tactic as it will help them reel in the amount they talk, and help the conversations feel more balanced. If you are interested in seeing how Corey Wayne recommends using this strategy however, I recommend picking up his book “How to be a 3% Man” where this is one of many great philosophies he teaches that will drastically improve men’s dating success through developing a strong character.It should be noted however that if you have the opposite problem and tend to be too withdrawn and quiet during dates, then your focus should be on talking more, not less. While opening up more is a practice you should work on and one we will cover in a later podcast, you can also just focus on listening and relating to what she is saying. Ask good questions and relate it to your experiences.
- Stay Positive and Have Fun – Negativity is unattractive and will repel a healthy person. Make sure you don’t bring up depressing topics or talk negatively about things or situations around you. If negativity is something you struggle with, I would recommend putting concentrated focus on fixing that. Remember having fun will allow her to have fun with you, and your date with her will be remembered as a fun experience. Women want to have fun and relax around the guy she is interested in a great way to do this is to create a positive experience for her. This will also greatly increase your attractiveness. People are drawn to fun.
- Get a Basic Understanding of Style – I recommend checking out Ryan Magin’s work and his program Handsome Guy Secrets to learn the basics of style. This is a great one stop place to take you from practically no understanding of style to a man that turns heads. This may be a great program for women to buy for men they are in a relationship with as well. Ryan is very well renowned in the dating industry as the go-to guy for teaching men how to dress to impress and is also someone I have had close friends who know him vouch for personally. You can find his program below.
Handsome Guy Secrets
- Have a Plan: A man with a plan is attractive. It conveys that you take charge and know how to get it done. It also shows that you know how to lead and that lets her relax and just enjoy herself. It is also the sign of a confident leader You should never go into a date without knowing where you want to go and what the date will consist of. Just don’t make the mistake of taking it too far to the point of being controlling. Remember, her ultimate position is to be allowed to choose to follow you. Life happens however and sometimes plans fall through. When this happens, handle it cool and calm and make new plans on the spot. Calm and confident adaptability when things go wrong is also a very confident and attractive quality.
- Let go of Expectations: Letting go of expectations allows you to just have fun and enjoy the experience of the date without worrying about the outcome. Remember your only goal is to have a good time and to bring your best self. You also can’t control her reactions and likes/dislikes so just go in with the mind set the you are going to show her a great time and try to make her night highly enjoyable. It is up to her to accept it or not. Letting go of expectations also allows you to let go of neediness. Because you are not expecting anything, the outcome of the date is not a big deal, which in turn allows her to relax and see you as a confident guy who’s just looking to add to an already full life, not trying to fill in gaps. This non-neediness is attractive and allows her to trust you, your motives, and your attraction much more.
Tips for Women:
- Relax – You will enjoy yourself and in turn allow your date to enjoy themselves when you are able to relax just enjoy the experience. Once the date starts, let go of things that are no longer in your control and just be present and there with the person. Focus on getting to know them and gauging how you feel about them and it will help you focus less on worrying about how they feel about you.
- Don’t Tell Your Life Story – Remember to not go into every facet of your life early on in dating. It can save you from dominating the conversation too much but also leaves mystery and gives the man more to wonder about you. A very good coach I knew once said that if you can get someone thinking about you, you can get them attracted. This is one great way to do it. As you get to know each other better over time you can start sharing more and more of yourself.
- Stay Positive – Negativity will tend to turn off healthy potential mates. Even worse, it may attract the needier ones who need to have a “fixer” role. Negativity is a mood killer and can also take the date into a very serious tone. While there is a time and a place for these types of talks, early on in dating is not it. Also, a general negativity can signal someone who is hard to make happy and possibly surrounded by a lot of drama. Again, this is something most healthy people are not looking to bring more of into their lives.
- Show You’re Having Fun – Remember, dating should be an exchange of energy and not an audition to see if he can impress you. To see if there is chemistry, you both have to bring a bit of yourselves to the table. Showing you are having fun and enjoying yourself (when you actually are that is) shows the guy that he is doing a good job and encourages him to keep going and do more. Not showing this will make him feel like he is not really connecting and he may give up on you as a potential partner before you were really ready. Don’t get caught up too much in the fantasy that he has to “win you over”. While it is true to a degree, it should not be an uphill battle. Most secure men will not play that game because, like women, they know they have other options. Think of it more like you are setting up the shots to see if he takes them and when he does, let him know.
- Be Aware of Your Body Language – Not being mindful of your body language can sometimes make you accidentally sub-communicate the wrong message. For example, if you are feeling nervous on the date because he is attractive, you may feel the need to cross your arms. While this position makes sense to you, he may interpret it as a signal of you closing off to him and not be aware of your nervousness. Practice noticing your body language and expressing with your body the messages you want to convey. This is just as true for the way you hold your facial expressions and smile (or lack thereof) as well.
- Let Go of Expectations – Remember that dating is a process of getting to know people and seeing if they are a fit. There are bound to be mismatches. Sometimes they will be into you and you won’t be into them. Sometimes the opposite. Sometimes it takes a few dates to figure this out. Remember to just take everything at face value and to not blow it up into more than it really is. A date is a date and not a promise of anything. Letting go of expectations allows you to embody all the other tips and to just have a good time. If things work out, great. If they don’t, that’s great too because you learned a little bit more about yourself, what you like, and what you don’t like. We’ve seen all too many friends and people we have worked with put too much into a relationship too early and it can leave a lot of damage and resentment when things don’t work out. Some women we have even seen do this after the first date. Remember their interest is not a statement about you, just about your chemistry with them in particular.
We also hit a couple bonus tips we felt we needed to add in regards to the prevalent news.
- For Men: Understand consent and realize asking for it is sexy and can be done without killing your groove. You don’t need to whip out legal speak and a contract, but you can ask her if she is OK with what you want to do in a sexy and playful way. If she says no, handle it with grace and an understanding smile. The way a man handles “no” says a lot more about him than the way he handles a “yes”. Also remember, a lot of the time, “no” just means “No, not right now” not “No never”. So unless the vibe is that there is nothing whatsoever between you, she may just not be at a particular comfort level yet or there may be other factors (religious beliefs, personal rules, etc..) Just respect them and take it with a smile. Below is a decent article that talks a bit more about sexy ways to get consent.https://www.bustle.com/articles/138297-7-ways-to-make-practicing-affirmative-consent-sexy
- For Women: Have a way out. We are not trying to say that dating is not a lot of fun and most of the men out there are safe, but unfortunately we live in a world where you need to take precautions to ensure your safety. Be sure a friend knows where you will be and will be able to come get you if needed. At the very least, have a Lyft or Uber account set up so you can order a quick ride out of the situation. Make sure the places you meet are relatively public early on in dating until you feel comfortable with the guy. Most secure men will not take offense to this and will even work with you to help ensure you feel safe and secure. Below is an article that offers some good suggestions on how to stay safe.https://www.yoursafedate.com/5-tips-for-staying-safe-online-dating/